Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in