The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
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If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Like sleeping!
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Breaking news:
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter