The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups