The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
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Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
File under excellent bookstore names.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
where the womens at?
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I laughed at this way too hard.
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.