@squirrel74wkgn

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

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@TheAlexNevil

Him: What’s that, Girl? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie (sigh): Let’s go over it again: 1 bark means I’m hungry; 2 means let me outside; 3

@TweetPotato314

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

@OctopusCaveman

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

@SteveSuckington

[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”

@thatUPSdude

Her: So, how did you get that scar on your chin?

Me: *flashes back to slipping in the shower* Hunting wild boar.

@ddsmidt

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

@_ISpeakTrue

That moment when you make out with the air trying to find the straw in your glass

@samreich

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

@theNuzzy

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.