The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
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If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
was Jim off killing horses or…
your elf on the shelf was delicious
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.