The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
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No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
another case of gang violins
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby