The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
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Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Happy thanksgiving!
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Me too, bag. Me too….
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right