The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
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Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
TEETH IS INNOCENT
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
What’s a Messi?
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Breaking news:
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off