Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman

lawyer:

judge:

jury:

bruce wayne: wait shit no

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.