Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

biblically accurate fire hydrant

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

something like this could probably happen to anyone

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS