The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
You Might Also Like
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.