The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
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the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.