Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
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I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
step 6: release the wall snake
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.