Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

Do not steal food from the science building!

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

next level snooze

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Joseph Smith, 1833

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?