The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
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HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
plant them where lol
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
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9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.