The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
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I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Sing it!
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone