The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
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Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
when mom throws a party…
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I WON A HAM TODAY