The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
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My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”