The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
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[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭