Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

friend: I love your cookies

me: it’s a secret family recipe

friend: wow

me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward