the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
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If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji