The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
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“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Just remembered why I went upstairs yesterday
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
Covert ops
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Mhm.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.