The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
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Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Breaking news:
Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight