The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
You Might Also Like
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.