The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
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NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.