Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it

Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”

Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all

My ideal weight is five million dollars

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.