The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
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Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I hate my earbuds.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded