The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
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[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.