The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
You Might Also Like
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”