Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

The new American dream is an alien invasion.

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?

Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria