The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
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A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.