I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
You Might Also Like
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
this lipgloss is called mcdonalds hash brown
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Been flirting with this hot chick in this bar for almost a hour now. It’s only a matter of time now till nothing sexual happens whatsoever.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”