Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….

the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho