The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
You Might Also Like
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*