The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
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If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much