The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
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sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!