Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks

waiting for halloween be like:

“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

angel: whatcha making?

god: *buffing a shark* dolphin

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf