The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
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I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap