The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
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If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus