The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
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Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Worst bar ever.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!