Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…