Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free

Also Spotify: we have no concept of time

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones

Me: I was told there would be sleep

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years