The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
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If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
North and South
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much