The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
You Might Also Like
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog