The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
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If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Kermit goes Blue.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Erm I’m gonna say no
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.