The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
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me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Got ya covered
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.