The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
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Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
My dad.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Breakfast in bed.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.