The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
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Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
That’s amazing.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Good morning y’all ☀️
