Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

the way he checked his surroundings 😭

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it