The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
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Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Always
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
How animals would run if they were human
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.