The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
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when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I’m hunting wabbits…
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps