the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
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If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Why is no one talking about this?!
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
(2022)
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end