Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

Me, in DM rooms…

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.