The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
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Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
My first son he is wonderful
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
There is no try. There is only give up.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”