The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
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“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
✌🏽
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
is this a warning or an offer?
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?