Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
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Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.