the thing about me is that i am ready to hate anyone’s boyfriend at a moment’s notice. i need approximately zero seconds to prepare. literally just lmk
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Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I believe the plural is “milves.”
wait.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
this is the best interaction on twitter
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Love the Deepseek app, using it to organize all my finances and passwords. They make it so easy
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Guy: I like you.
Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms