Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

pizza

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

DOOO EEEET

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.

It’s also raisin free.

And cake free.

OK it’s just rum

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me