The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
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This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
how to exercise your calf muscles
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.