Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream

i baked you a cake

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!

Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.