Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.

Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music

My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

god: *creates human* whatcha think?

angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?

god: *adds shins* now it will

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.