The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
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So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Me driving through Toronto
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.