The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
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Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
#DesignFail
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,