Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

Me: “I’m going to the gym.”

The gym:

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

Swedish for common sense.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

She puts the hot in psychotic