The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
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(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
are there any atheist mantises?
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”