the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
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No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME