the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
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8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
True
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes