the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
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I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
oh my god
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….