the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
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Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.