Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!

my dog: chomp, chomp

me: hey what’s in your mouth

my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

Me: Am I in trouble?

Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]

Me: Oh no.

therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin

her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say