The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
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Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
saw this in a dream
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”