The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
You Might Also Like
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.