The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
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BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
Dyslexics are teople poo!
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.