The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
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What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.