Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam

The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there

Me, always: what wobble?

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

Me, in DM rooms…

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you