the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
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I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
this was very charming
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
mood
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.