the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
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“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
i wonder why they stopped looking
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!