the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
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coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider