the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
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When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine