Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?

I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”

Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”

When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

Carl: “It’s chilly out.”

Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”

“Fair enough, Carl.”

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents