the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
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That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up