the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
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Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Put a ring on it
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*